Welcome to the newest installment of The Closet Actress where my passion for acting and dressing up meet, kiss and have babies.
I think it was my third year of grad school. I decided to launch out and start auditioning, eager to use all that expensive technique I had gained in my three years of studying. I auditioned to play a part of a diva Video Jockey/ TV host who was being followed as part of a faux reality show. This was a short film written and directed by a beginner filmmaker.
I had a good audition. In fact, the director called to tell me so. Only he did not offer me the part but asked if I would coach the actress that did get the part. Huh?! Whaaat? She looked the part (model type) and I had the skill. Classic. It was such a mix of emotions. On the one hand, I was being acknowledged for my skill which sends me over the moon with unspeakable joy and on the other hand I was being rejected for my lack of long legs… which sucked. Feeling uneasy inside, I agreed to do it and rationalized my decision as noble, generous even godly. But it sucked…
I know what I want. I’ve always known what I want. Somehow over the course of time I’ve second guessed and settled. It had become a part of the fabric of my decision making process.
It happened with the sundry and big decisions–
Choose. Second guess. Settle.
I don’t know where this insane habit came from but I’d guess it’s probably from the depths of some childhood experience.
Anyhow, on that day I agreed to the filmmaker’s request to coach his choice actress when I really didn’t want to do it— I settled.
That’s why when something all too characteristic of that former time happened to me recently I responded with a big , fat, gracious…
NO THANK YOU.
It was a “throwback to the future” moment. I had another good audition and was told so by the director. Yet I get a call asking if I’d be willing to be “background”. Whaaat?! My mind raced to the time and space of that early compromise in grad school. The “sucky” feelings I had back then rushed into my “now”. History was trying to repeat itself. I had to stop it.
Thoughts of nobility and missed opportunity crossed my mind AGAIN.
However, unlike then, I know now I’m under no obligation to accept something just because it’s offered. I’m also over believing the lie that I will be missing out on something if I don’t accept. These are nothing more than settling traps.
God has greater things for me than that. He has greater things than that for all of us. I believe God has given everyone a customized vision for their lives. We see ourselves in a certain special way, doing a certain special thing by His design but often second guess those ideas, dismiss them and settle for something completely outside of that vision. It’s a subtle shift that much like that insane habit of mine becomes apart of how we wear life. It takes courage to accept God’s personal vision for your life and even more to walk in that vision. That often means fighting for it. Everyday. Moment to moment. And when we don’t fight for it, we’re settling.
We are the guardians of God’s vision for our individual lives.
Settling is a personal decision. Only you and God knows what that looks and feels like. Our battlefields will each look different. What was offered to me by the young filmmaker then and what was offered most recently were not awful things in themselves. It’s when I accept someone else’s idea of me against my “knowing” heart that it shifts to settle mode.
How could anyone successfully follow their dreams following someone else’s idea of them?
I’ve never met a box I could fit in.
If you remember, the last episode of The Closet Actress featured several forgotten pieces from my closet inspired by classic films or stage plays.
Well, the outfits featured in this new episode are a throwback to the 80’s and 90’s. I chose these items solely because they perfectly complimented one thing: My Shell Toe Adidas. I have wanted these classic Shell Toes for years but never bought them. They were too expensive. I didn’t really need them. Those were my 2 common excuses. But I finally got them for my birthday. (thanks hubby). Something I’ve always wanted!
Getting them was half the battle. Although my husband bought the right size they were too big which meant I had to return them. The store didn’t have the size I needed. So they suggested a boys’ size alternative but when I tried them on they just weren’t quite right. One sales guy told me something was wrong with me, not the shoes. Ha! That was my cue to go elsewhere which I did until I found a place that would order the woman’s size shoe I wanted. I had to wait another week but I got the shoe I wanted. This is a minor event that serves as major reminder how the opportunity to settle presents itself anywhere, anytime, and with anything— you’ve decided you want. But alongside the opportunity to settle is the opportunity to fight for it. We get to choose.
I’m fighting. How about you?
How has God’s vision for your life been challenged?
Feeling a bit nostalgic, click the links below to scratch that itch.
WARDROBE IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE:
Grey and black tunic sweatshirt dress, Paraphrase
Baja-inspired pullover hoodie, Paper Crane
Black knit leggings, Poof
Superstar “Shell Toe” , Adidas
80’S AND 90’S INSPIRATIONS:
Thanks for stopping by.